Hello people; Adam here.

I bet Monty a dollar that I could review Ultimatum #5 without actually reading it.

So here goes.

People die. A lot of people.  Randomly, and in increasingly unlikely and grotesque ways.   Wolverine dies to prove how crazy the new Ultimate Universe is.  Also, Thor, Hank Pym, Big Gay Colossus, Ben Grimm and Sue Storm.  Oh, and Doom will prove his heroism before dying.

Magneto will say cliched villain things like “You will suffer a thousand deaths under my writhing fingers!”  …or something.

Things explode.  For no damn reason.  Lots of things.  Big things, small things, things that mimes like to pretend to be trapped in.

Magneto will be impaled by something metal in a blatant abuse of irony.

The day will be saved by the new Trannie Spider-wo-man.   She will not mention her transgender issues just yet.

I will be left wondering if Jeph Loeb can sink any lower.

OKAY!  Now I will actually read that crap to see if I’m right.

Alright… I think I owe him like 69 cents.

I probably would have been better off paying a hobo four bucks to kick me in the nuts.  Magneto was defeated in a fashion so ridiculous that I must have imagined it.  Here, let me read it again.  …  NOPE.  It really was that retarded.   I kind of want to walk bare-footed to California, track down Jeph Loeb to his doorstep and demand my freaking four dollars back.

Ultimatum makes my eyeballs hate me for making them read it. Ultimatum gave my imagination cancer. It may even be less readable than Final Crisis.

Yeah… I’m pretty sure it is.  Jeph Loeb is the devil.

Try reading something more constructive, like one of my articles.  This one discusses Watchmen’s effect on modern comics, and this is my book of the week.

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