Dear Great and Powerful Gods of Wide Screen Televisions and Video Games and Handi-cams and whatnot…

I think you did the right thing in starting over with the Spider-man films.  Kudos to Sam Raimi for making a decent first attempt, but Spider-man is one of the weakest film franchises out there.

Okay, you hired Marc Webb, which is kind of odd but no more so than the Everwood guy directing Green Lantern.  In point of fact, both Chris Nolan and Bryan Singer were left-field choices, and look how well that turned out (Superman notwithstanding).   In fact, now that I think about it, maybe it is best to bring in a director who is used to working on character-based scripts, because in point of fact that’s what comic books are really about: characters.  Spider-man is not the story of some kid with a bug bite who swings from sky scrapers.  It’s the story of a geek whose dreams come true.

So now that you’ve got that squared away, lets focus on the rest.

First up, the plot.  No matter what happens, do NOT retell the origin story.  Consider The Incredible Hulk.  That film handled the origin perfectly by recapping it and the moving on to the crux of the story.  The fact is, the hero’s origin is always the slowest part of the story.  No one cares how Indiana Jones got his whip; we just want to see him beating up Nazis.  Assume that everyone knows the origin of Spider-man, either through the original film or just because it’s in the public consciousness.

Next up, the villain.   Here’s the biggest mistake that Hollywood makes with comic films; cramming multiple villains into one story hap-hazardly. Stop it.  Why the hell would you pair Venom with the Sandman?  For one thing, their amorphous powers are vaguely similar.  For another, they have nothing to do with each other.  The black costume/ venom story is one of the best in the Spidey-mythos and is more than dense enough to be a film all it’s own.  Besides, you still had the Harry Osborn/ Green Goblin subplot as a secondary villain.  Anywho-  since this is a reboot and the 3 previous films are fresh in people’s minds, you can’t go back to the well.  You’ve used all 3 of Spidey’s most infamous rogues.  So what are you going to do?

Give the fans what they want.  Kraven.   The world’s greatest hunter grows bored with hunting wild life and takes a bounty from J. Jonah Jameson.  He turns his unbelievable skills to hunting the most dangerous game (OOH! You could call it Spider-man: The Most Dangerous Game  -TRADEMARK*) – superhumans.  I know people say this a lot, but this seriously writes itself.   By pitting Peter against a more realistic villain with more understandable motivations, you foster a stronger emotional response from the audience.

Moving on to the leading lady is a tougher decision.  I know it’s en vogue to bash Kirsten Dunst, but I won’t.  I like Kirsten Dunst.  Was she a great Mary Jane?  No.  But the blame in that lies more in the writer than the actor.  She’s played confident women before, but if she has nothing to work with because the screenwriter doesn’t get the character… well… we get the whiny, annoying mess that was Spider-man 2.  Every other line she spoke was a teary-eyed “Peter do you love me??  I love you, do you love me?”   UGH.   But regardless of who is at fault, that character is damaged goods until redeemed.  So hold back on MJ.  Put her as a supporting character.  Brian Bendis wrote her as a beautiful, intelligent girl that Peter saw as unattainable.   Skip Gwen Stacy. She’s never worked as a character unless she was dead.   So that leaves us with Peter’s bad girl phase.  Felicia Hardy, the Black Cat- a cat burglar with a really slutty costume.  I vote yes.  Bonus- this works well with the Kraven theme.

Now who is gonna play Peter?  I can’t think of anyone off hand, but Tobey Macguire leaving was a blessing from God.  Seriously, do not ever put someone that humorless in this role again.  He was such a sniveling little bitch.  That’s fine for pre-bite Peter, but he’s supposed to come out of his shell by the time he’s in college.  And every time he did the Spidey-voice in ADR I thought he was trying to do an impression of George Reeves’ Superman.  We want the anti-Tobey.  We need someone who can play a nerd and then actually realize that people change and become more confident.  And someone who can tell a joke that doesn’t make me want to kill myself.   Remember:  ANTI-TOBEY.

Alright Sony, go, do!  If you need help with the script call the guys at BSI and they’ll take you to whatever donut shop I’m in.   Also, send me lots of money.

P.S. check out my spoiler-free review of Starman #81

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