FOOBALLZ!!! YEAAAHHHHHHH!!!

I never got around to seeing Terminator 4.  I outright refuse to spend money on Avatar. So I don’t know for certain that Sam Worthington is a crappy actor.  It is entirely possible that his character Perseus was supposed to be portrayed as if he was fighting a raging case of menstrual cramps throughout the movie.  I dunno, you’d have to ask director Louis Letterier (The Transporter) on that one.

To be fair, Worthington was probably the best actor in the main cast. Unfortunately the main cast was all of 5 people and the extras were performing better that the 5 of them combined.  (I mean I believed the hell out of “old man with gangrene”, “starving child” and everyone’s favorite “toothless prostitute”.)

It’s a bad sign when the first ten minutes of the film feature foreshadowing dialog that feels like someone is beating you in the face with a English text book.  When Perseus’ adoptive father dies to give Perseus motivation for the ridiculous things he says and does, the audience is supposed to feel sympathy for this poor fisherman and his family who have been destroyed by the Gods.  Instead I was just happy the old man shut the hell up.  Watching that old guy drown was the most pleasure I got out of the experience.

What probably annoyed me most was the writer’s complete lack of… well, talent.  Whoever wrote that garbage lacks even a basic understanding of storytelling.  There are  moments when Perseus needs something and it literally drops out of the sky.  The winged horse Pegasus for example.  He flies down, his origin gets explained be the Deus ex machina, then he flies away only to show up at the end of the film when he is needed.  Perseus’ sword performs a similar function.  He walks around a forest and sees a glowing shaft. He grabs the shaft and a blade magically appears from thin air.  Now– as an aside– why exactly does this metal sword seem to be a blatant lightsaber rip-off?  Anyway, Perseus throws a fit, tosses it to another guy and refuses to pick it up until the end of the film, and then only for one fight.

I could go on for an hour about how bad this movie is– but I won’t.  Instead, I’m going to make a few pitches for movies I’d rather see than Clash of the Titans.

1. Clash of the Colors  -the heart-warming story of a Scottish fashion designer fighting to bring back plaid kilts into the fashion world despite constant adversity and ridicule.
2. Clash of Frankie and Johnny’s  -two hours of a man and a woman screaming “Let him have it!”  and “I got dah fiftee dollahs!!!”
3. Clash of the Clash  -the infamous 1980′s band is kidnapped by the dead guy from Saw (because really– why not?) and forced to fight to the death.  Last Clash member standing gets to live.   Guest starring Snoop Dogg.  (again– why not?)
4. Clash of the Rosies  -  Rosanne Barr and Rosie O’Donnell in leopard print leotards get oiled up and fight it out over a pack of hostess snack cakes.
5. Clash of the Tight Ends  - the inevitable adult film inspired by it all, featuring women with surgical implants out-acting Liam Neeson.  (It’s a family website so I skipped the obvious joke for the title.

Yep, I'd even rather watch this.

Remember folks, you would be better off throwing yourself down a flight of stairs.  It’s less painful.

check out more angry rants from me at Rebelcomix.com and the occasional review at the Examiner.